Six months had passed since I left and we separated, but it was as if no time had passed at all.
I prepared myself, knowing full well that the short 4 days we’d have together would be just those 4 days and that I’d get back onto the plane to NY having said goodbye yet again. I determined to simply be in the present moment and enjoy our time together, my only option in our international relationship.
As much as I don’t believe in fairy tale endings, I did at least think that when I fell deeply in love it’d be in a somewhat conventional sense. Meet, fall in love, move in together, and continue on happily. I had never imagined meeting someone abroad who, while so different from me, has loved me unconditionally in my lowest of lows and highest of highs, and yet lives in a different country with no desire to leave, while my addiction to travel continues to carry me around the world.
Being together with no expectations, with no labels, with just a sense of being present and enjoying each other’s company was beyond liberating. It was as if my gaze was cleared of those demands and expectations I inevitably have in relationships, and I could see you in a clearer and sharper way. My heart opened, proving to me that in some ways it had been closed when we were together. I saw every single aspect of you, your character, your traits, your affection for what it was as opposed to what I wanted it to be…and if possible, I fell deeper in love.
From the outside many friends and those who care for us can’t understand why we aren’t together. They are sad for us, and while this comes from a place of concern, I can only see the beauty of our situation, of our relationship, undefinable as it is. We both understand that our circumstances are what they are and we accept it for what it is.
Life is not linear. You don’t just pursue one path and follow a straight road. There are curves, turns, shortcuts, distractions, tunnels, cliffs. The same applies to love. Ours does not have a straight, clear road and yet we are connected, despite the distance, despite the separation.
Three months ago I would have been wracking my brains trying to figure out if and how we could get back together and go from international relationship to local, trying to understand why we just couldn’t make it work, why it just couldn’t be simpler. But in reality it is simple. We love each other, but I’m here and you’re there. I need my time to focus on my career and my family and you need yours. My right now is NY and yours is Spain. We will always have each other in our lives in some special way, and what future, if any, we have together, cannot yet be planned for.
During our relationship I built walls around you, around us. I closed my hands tight around what we had, tried to force it into a box that I had created. I had high expectations, incessant demands and lost myself. We spend all of our lives imagining the straight roads our futures will take and expecting, or in my case forcing, our situations to conform to those desires. But where is the adventure in that? We close ourselves off to the endless possibilities that are life, and time flies by too quickly to be doing that.
Difficult as it was to say goodbye to you yet again, I am beyond happy, because I have finally learned to open my heart and my hands, and to let our love fly free. Where it lands, where it goes next, you or I can’t predict. But it’s there, it exists and it will always be beautiful.